A comment in our national conversation recently caught my attention.
While describing someone else’s behaviour, the speaker suggested that the person’s “petticoat was showing.”
It’s an expression many of us in Trinidad and Tobago would immediately understand.
Something you probably intended to keep covered has become visible.
But as I thought about it, something else occurred to me.
Sometimes, while somebody is busy telling you that somebody else’s petticoat is showing, they may not realise that theirs is showing too.
And the most useful thing you can do may be to pay attention to what is being revealed.
I have been observing this increasingly in public communication, but I see it in leadership and organisations as well.
Whenever we communicate, there is the message we intend to send.
Then there is the message other people actually receive.
And sometimes there is another message altogether: what our communication reveals about us.
What we emphasise. The words we choose. The assumptions beneath them. What we apparently expect others to believe. How we see ourselves. How we see them.
It may be easier to notice in an off-the-cuff remark, when there has been little time to filter our response.
But even carefully prepared communication can reveal something.
After all, somebody decided what should be said.
Which creates an interesting opportunity for the listener.
When something is said which we experience as insulting, dismissive or derogatory, our immediate response may be to defend ourselves, become offended, withdraw, or respond in kind.
Sometimes the message may genuinely warrant challenge.
But I am learning to ask another question first:
What am I being shown?
Because if I become consumed by what you have said about me, I may miss what your communication is telling me about you.
Perhaps how you see me. How you see yourself. What you believe your position allows. Or what you think I will accept.
That information may be important.
And once I can see it, I have a different decision to make.
Not simply, How do I respond to what was said?
But:
Given what I now understand, what response is most likely to take me closer to the outcome I actually want?
That doesn’t require pretending something wasn’t offensive.
Something may offend me.
What I do with that offence remains a choice.
In Be the Person You Dream of Becoming, I wrote:
“Reason guards the gates. It moves you from reactive to responsible.”
I was writing about our capacity to weigh, choose and evaluate rather than allowing unconscious patterns to determine our actions.
I am seeing another dimension of that principle now.
Sometimes the moment which most tempts us to react may also be giving us information we need in order to choose more wisely.
So perhaps the next time somebody’s communication causes your defences to rise, don’t be too quick to respond.
There may be another petticoat showing.
And what you can now see may help you decide what to do next.
Reflect & Apply
1️⃣ When communication offends or threatens you, what tends to happen to your ability to listen and discern?
2️⃣ What might you learn if, before responding, you asked: “What is this communication revealing that may not have been intended for me to see?”
3️⃣ Given what you can now see more clearly, what choice is most likely to move you closer to the outcome you desire?
📘 In Be the Person You Dream of Becoming, I explore how Clarity, Focus and conscious Action help us move from automatic reaction towards deliberately creating the Results we seek. The book is available on Amazon, in RIK Bookstores nationwide, or directly through me.
It takes a lifetime of Becoming to live a life.
Perceptively,
Monica Rogers-Fletcher
Listen to When the Petticoat Is Showing