One of the things I find both common and, in many ways, incomprehensible is watching leaders and professionals create the very problems for themselves they need to avoid if they are to achieve their objectives.
They are often clear on what they wish to achieve and why it is of supreme importance. They may even have convinced themselves and others of the benefits of achieving it. But somewhere on the way to that objective, they trip over their own feet.
There are sometimes many reasons for that. For instance, they get distracted by something else which seems just as important. Or they modify their initial objective because side benefits suddenly seem more compelling.
Professionals are busy, juggling many balls, and it can be very easy to lose clarity of the first priority when other variables pop up. And for me, one of the biggest culprits is not having sufficient clarity on the objective in the first place, so they remain unaware of the widening gap between where they are and where they want to be—and the absence of a coherent plan for getting there.
Whatever the reason, choices are frequently made which create or worsen the very conditions standing between them and the objective they say they want. And sometimes, either in their haste to achieve or in seeking to save face, they leave those very conditions unresolved. The end result is that the objective is still not achieved, but now there are loose ends hanging.
I know of very few people who actually like cleaning up after the fact, especially professionals focused on achieving. So what do they do? In keeping with what they still consider the priority, they try a different approach. They consider alternative strategies and new arguments for achieving the objective, often without realising that the new strategy now has to operate within conditions created by what happened before.
The people whose concerns were dismissed still remember how they were treated. Relationships which were damaged have not necessarily been repaired. An allegation left unresolved remains unresolved. Resistance created along the way does not necessarily disappear simply because the objective remains important.
And sometimes those loose ends seem obvious to almost everybody watching, yet the person who left them hanging appears completely oblivious to them.
I learnt years ago to pay attention to the seemingly minute difference between obvious and oblivious. In this situation, I find myself noticing the missing “I”.
What part did I play in creating the conditions I am now experiencing as somebody else’s obstruction?
Without that I, it becomes remarkably easy to construct another explanation. They are being difficult. They won’t cooperate. They don’t understand the urgency. They are standing in the way. They simply don’t like me or are being obstructionists.
Possibly that explanation is completely sincere because, if I cannot see my own contribution to the present conditions, it becomes quite easy and reasonable for somebody else’s behaviour to genuinely appear to be the problem.
Meanwhile, everybody else is looking on thinking:
Well… what did you expect? Can’t you see you just scored an own goal?
That is what makes this more than a question of blame. If, on the way to my objective, I created a mess, left loose ends hanging, and then walked back in, still seeking the same objective while expecting a different result—without addressing the very mess I created—what can I expect?
Wanting the objective badly enough does not make the barriers disappear. Urgency does not make other people’s concerns irrelevant. Changing the strategy does not necessarily change the conditions under which the strategy must operate. And cause and effect does not cease to operate because the effect is inconvenient.
But there is another side to this. It is only when I can see my contribution to the predicament I helped create that I may also be able to do something about it.
Perhaps there is a concern I can finally address, a conversation I need to have, something I need to clarify, or, even more importantly, consequences I need to acknowledge and trust I need to rebuild.
Or maybe, just maybe, I need to stop trying different ways to get to the same place long enough to understand what really lies in the gap between where I actually am and where I am trying to go—and how much of it I created myself.
In Be the Person You Dream of Becoming, I wrote:
“Until we understand the universal law of Cause and Effect, until we make the unconscious, conscious, we will never live the lives we are capable of.”
Perhaps this is one of those places where making the unconscious conscious matters. Until I recognise the connection between what I did before and what I am experiencing now, I may keep changing strategies without addressing the cause. Once I can see my contribution, I have a way out—not necessarily because I can undo what happened, but because I can make a more conscious choice about what happens next.
Not every loose end can be tied up. Not every relationship can be repaired. And recognising my contribution does not make everybody else blameless. But if I helped create the conditions standing between me and the result I want, perhaps I can also help change them.
And that may be far more useful than another round of blaming the people who can see what, for some reason, I cannot.
So before trying again, perhaps the question is not only, What is standing in my way?
Perhaps it is also:
What did I do, say, dismiss or leave unresolved that may now be standing in my way?
Because yesterday’s loose ends have a rather inconvenient habit of turning up in tomorrow’s problems. And if I know they are there, leave them hanging, and walk back in, expecting a different result…Really, what could I expect?
Reflect & Apply
1️⃣ What loose end from a previous choice may now be standing between you and an objective you still want?
2️⃣ What might be obvious to others about your present situation that you may still be oblivious to?
3️⃣ What remains within your discretion to address before you try again?
📘 In Be the Person You Dream of Becoming, I explore how greater awareness of our thinking, choices and actions can help us create more conscious movement towards the results we desire. My book is available on Amazon, in RIK Bookstores nationwide, or directly through me.
It takes a lifetime of Becoming to live a life.
Remorsefully,
Monica Rogers-Fletcher
Listen to UNKNOWINGLY SCORING OWN GOALS