At the risk of aging myself, there is something about the language of old which modern expressions simply cannot capture.
Take the word unbecoming.
There is something about that word which requires very little explanation. Behaviour unbecoming of the person. Unbecoming of the position. Unbecoming of the responsibility entrusted to them.
And increasingly, I find myself bombarded with examples.
No need to look very hard for clues. Pick up almost any newspaper. Listen to the insults, the personal attacks, the unjustifiable criticism. Watch how easily attention shifts from the issue to the person, and how those entrusted with responsibility sometimes behave as though the standards demanded of others no longer apply to them.
And then there are those whose behaviour changes once they believe their position is secure.
The mask comes off.
Often the warning signs were there all along. You had your suspicions but were prepared to give the person the benefit of the doubt.
Then their next move leaves you in no doubt.
It is one thing to take a hit you did not expect. Quite another to see the hit coming from a distance, like rain on the highway, but still have to keep going and drive into it.
In my work with senior managers and executives, I am increasingly reminded of circumstances I experienced some fifteen years ago.
The ordinary responsibilities of leadership can be demanding enough. Decisions to make. Problems to resolve. People to lead. Results to deliver.
But imagine managing all of that while navigating interference, questionable decisions and threats to your professional standing.
You remain accountable for results, even as the conditions under which you’re expected to perform become increasingly difficult.
Now imagine this.
You are an experienced manager who knows your department, its people and the intricacies of the work. You’ve invested years developing your competence and career.
Then you’re instructed to fast-track a relatively junior officer into a managerial position in your department. You have been around long enough to read the play and to recognise what might be unfolding.
The person has access to higher authority, bypasses established reporting relationships and is being advanced despite limited knowledge of the responsibilities involved.
But you still have your responsibilities. You still have to function. The longer the person sits in the role, the more they gain the confidence that their position is assured.
As the person becomes increasingly confident that their position is assured, their behaviour changes.
Just like that. Yesterday you were the team lead. Today, their attitude suggests they’re in charge and you’ve been relegated to the junior officer.
The confirmation of what you suspected is practically splattered in your face. All the while they seem to have little to no recognition that their behaviour is inappropriate.
How do you deal with that?
Anger! Hurt. Disappointment. Even disgust.
Questioning the value of your years of service, the sacrifices you’ve made and the effort you’ve invested in becoming capable of doing your job well.
But here’s the difficulty.
Being right about what’s wrong doesn’t necessarily equip you to deal with it.
You can recognise the injustice, understand the power dynamics and anticipate what might happen next.
And still struggle to determine what to do.
I recognise aspects of these circumstances from my own professional experience. Fifteen years ago, I faced difficult choices under conditions I considered neither fair nor reasonable.
For a long time, I could justify how I responded. And in many respects, I still can.
But my journey of Becoming has led me to ask different questions.
Could I have become more capable of navigating those realities—recognising more possibilities, using my resources differently and exercising greater discernment?
Now I see other professionals confronting remarkably similar circumstances. This may sound like a horror story, but it is one many people are experiencing.
It happened fifteen years ago. It is happening today. And fifteen years from now, someone else may be facing much the same thing.
These situations aren’t going away.
What will it take for you to become the person who knows how to navigate them?
Situations which aren’t fair. Aren’t kind. Aren’t civil. But are very real.
Often the textbooks don’t have the answers. They may explain authority, accountability and organisational structures.
But what happens when those exercising authority disregard the structures? When someone undermining your position enjoys the protection of those above you? When you remain accountable for results while your influence is being weakened?
Yet you still have to find a way.
In Be the Person You Dream of Becoming, I write:
“The lesson is this: when clarity vanishes, don’t freeze. Don’t panic. Don’t retreat into old stories. Trust the one clear step in front of you — and take it.”
This isn’t about ignoring what is happening or pretending it doesn’t hurt. It’s about recovering the ability to think, discern and act.
Sometimes that begins by pausing long enough to ask:
What am I actually facing, and what am I trying to achieve?
What resources and options do I have available, and which path offers the best possibility of getting there?
Because the objective isn’t simply to prove that someone else is wrong.
It’s to find a way forward which doesn’t leave your future at the mercy of their behaviour.
Recognising reality doesn’t mean endorsing it. Neither does exercising discernment mean surrendering your principles.
Sometimes it means standing your ground. Sometimes changing your approach, seeking support, challenging decisions or recognising that the future you want may require a different pathway.
The mask may have come off. But your future hasn’t been decided.
Reflect & Apply
- How is this situation affecting my confidence, judgment and effectiveness?
- Am I focusing more on what’s wrong than on what I can do to move forward?
- What have past experiences taught me, and what resources and options can I draw upon now?
We may not be able to prevent people from behaving in ways which are unbecoming of their positions. But we can learn to navigate the realities their behaviour creates. Developing the awareness, judgment and strategies to do so isn’t always easy, and we don’t have to figure it all out on our own. Sometimes, the right conversation can help us see possibilities and find a way forward which we couldn’t see before.
If you’re ready to examine how you see, choose and respond to the circumstances which are adverse to your life and career, I invite you to explore Be the Person You Dream of Becoming, available on Amazon, at RIK Bookstores or directly through me.
Keep becoming.
Monica Rogers-Fletcher
Listen to WHEN THE MASK COMES OFF…